Communities given new powers to go on murderous rampages

Jan 26th, 2012

Local communities will be given new powers to randomly slaughter each other under new Tory plans. The powers will allow residents to splatter their high streets with unrecognisable gore without interference...

Labour axed in spending cuts

The Labour Party became the latest victim of coalition cuts when the government announced its abolition today. “For many years, Labour has performed many vital democratic socialist...

UK dads stand poignantly in doorway

Sure, things have been tough lately, but everything’s going to turn out okay, the UK’s dads reported last night. Silhouetted in bedroom doorways nationwide, fatherly sources admitted...

Marathon runner to cram 150 miles night before race

BRIGHTON – Hastings Marathon hopeful Adrian Kimble plans to make up for four months of failed training by cramming 150 miles the night before the race, the No Quarter has learned. “In...

Spider couple weds after horrifying insectoid courtship

A kind of happiness was brought to the insect community last Saturday as two wolf spiders were joined at a godless ‘wedding’ ritual in rural Essex. The joyless matrimony of the...

BREAKING: Something major apparently happening

CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having...

National

Newcastle: Newcastle ‘capital of the North’

NEWCASTLE – Newcastle put itself in the headlines today when it declared itself the ‘capital of the North’. The north-eastern city commended itself for its great shopping and...

Gillette solves global gently exfoliating smooth glide razor crisis

A new technology could eliminate the shortage of gently-exfoliating twin action razors afflicting women in many parts of the world. Research by American company Gillette claims that built-in...

No one on internet today

20.14 GMT – Not one of the internet’s 2.2 billion users went online today, according to analysts. When the No Quarter finally checked its emails just now, reports confirmed that –...

BREAKING: Something major apparently happening

CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having slept...