US elections: Ron Paul pledges to sack self as president if elected

Jan 30th, 2012

Staunchly anti-government Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul has promised that his first action as American president would be to remove himself from office. “This country needs big government...

Communities given new powers to go on murderous rampages

Local communities will be given new powers to randomly slaughter each other under new Tory plans. The powers will allow residents to splatter their high streets with unrecognisable...

Labour axed in latest spending cuts

The Labour Party became the latest victim of coalition cuts when the government announced its abolition today. “For many years, Labour has performed many vital democratic socialist...

Britain’s dads stand poignantly in bedroom doorway

Sure, things have been tough lately, but everything’s going to turn out okay, the UK’s dads reported last night. Silhouetted in bedroom doorways nationwide, fatherly sources admitted...

Marathon runner to cram 150 miles night before race

BRIGHTON – Hastings Marathon hopeful Adrian Kimble plans to make up for four months of failed training by cramming 150 miles the night before the race, the No Quarter has learned. “In...

BREAKING: Something major apparently happening

CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having...

National

Newcastle: Newcastle ‘capital of the North’

NEWCASTLE – Newcastle put itself in the headlines today when it declared itself the ‘capital of the North’. The north-eastern city commended itself for its great shopping and...

Gillette solves global gently exfoliating smooth glide razor crisis

A new technology could eliminate the shortage of gently-exfoliating twin action razors afflicting women in many parts of the world. Research by American company Gillette claims that built-in...

US elections: Ron Paul pledges to sack self as president if elected

Staunchly anti-government Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul has promised that his first action as American president would be to remove himself from office. “This country needs big...

BREAKING: Something major apparently happening

CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having slept...