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US elections: Ron Paul pledges to sack self as president if elected

Staunchly anti-government Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul has promised that his first action as American president would be to remove himself from office. “This country needs big government off its back,” Paul said in a speech in Maine yesterday. “And as far as I can tell, government doesn’t come much bigger than the president. “That’s why this campaign... 

No one on internet today

20.14 GMT – Not one of the internet’s 2.2 billion users went online today, according to analysts. When the No Quarter finally checked its emails just now, reports confirmed that – you know what? – it was a really beautiful day, and the third of the globe with internet access just didn’t feel like looking at a screen for nine hours. “We’d usually have seen some nine million... 

British tourist claims wildlife holiday ‘too inspiring’

A British man is filing a £40,000 compensation suit against a South American tour company which he claims deliberately downplayed the awesomeness of his holiday, the No Quarter has learned. “Like I keep saying, it was actually too good – really quite over the top,” said Alan Blackwood of his trip to the Galapagos Islands with Sunshine, a local tour operator. “I like some animals, and the... 

Seagull not impressed

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US returns box of Britain’s stuff as ‘special relationship’ ends

The UK’s ‘special relationship’ with the US officially ended last night when America returned a box of all Britain’s stuff that it had left with the US over the years. Smiling sadly to reporters, Barack Obama quietly led a delegation of US officials into Number 10 carrying a white FedEx box under his arm. The contents are thought to include mementos of the 70-year relationship, such as: a framed... 

Perfect storm making storm peers jealous

Climatic friends and colleagues of Hurricane Jolene, a force-nine cyclone causing widespread destruction in the Caribbean, have denied feeling jealous of the rare combination of atmospheric events that weather experts are calling ‘the perfect storm’. “Don’t get me wrong, Jolene is one in a million,” said Lina, a force-three tornado that caused mild panic in Missouri for three days in 2008....