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BREAKING: Something major apparently happening

CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having slept through its alarm, the No Quarter arrived late this morning and is now in no position to report on what for all we know could be the biggest story of the year. Man, the No Quarter hates it when this happens.... 

Boyband singer waiting, anticipating your call

Having done all he can, Jason ‘JJ’ Jones, singer in celebrated boy band X-Cite, can’t understand why you won’t let him be your man. Since meeting you in the club and subsequently calling you up, JJ had been hoping to spend a little time with you, girl. But for undisclosed reasons you refuse to let him into your world. “I’ve been trying to call you on your phone”, said the forlorn-looking... 

Sandwich oversold

LONDON – A Pret a Manger in the Square Mile is facing claims that its ‘Award-winning chorizo and rocket artisan baguette’ is actually closer to a sausage sandwich. City worker Denise Adams told reporters she paid £3.80 for the baguette after her expectations were “artificially inflated” by its eloquent description and smart packaging. “But really, I could have made something just... 

It all good, UK stoners report

Despite widespread austerity and growing international tensions, the global political outlook remains all good, according to a No Quarter survey of the UK’s stoners. The survey of 4,000 nicely toasted adults found that 80% of the high community in 2010 were positive about how humanity is destined to get there one day. Only one in five respondents whited out after seeing this YouTube clip about... 

UK cities ‘too dangerous’, nation’s nans warn

Violent crime, high living costs and the threat of terrorism have made many UK cities virtually uninhabitable and you’d be better off moving back down here where you’re safe, a national partnership of nans has warned. According to research conducted by the Nans Council, quality of life in nearly all British cities and many larger towns has decreased significantly in recent years, with things... 

Wikileaks: Concerns over Bradley Manning’s staff appraisal

The upcoming HR appraisal of US army intelligence analyst Bradley Manning, suspected of leaking more than 250,000 diplomatic cables to Wikileaks, is reportedly going to have “a mixture of positives and negatives” concerning the 23-year-old’s performance over the past year. A senior manager involved in the process said that while Manning had met his key targets for the recent period, his leaking...