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US returns box of Britain’s stuff as ‘special relationship’ ends

The UK’s ‘special relationship’ with the US officially ended last night when America returned a box of all Britain’s stuff that it had left with the US over the years. Smiling sadly to reporters, Barack Obama quietly led a delegation of US officials into Number 10 carrying a white FedEx box under his arm. The contents are thought to include mementos of the 70-year relationship, such as: a framed... 

Ministry of Defensiveness: ‘Government not to blame’

Issuing a blanket rejection of all criticisms today, the Ministry of Defensiveness said the coalition government is emphatically not to blame for any issues concerning the public at this point in time. Speaking to reporters, defensiveness secretary Michael Sherwood dismissed as “nonsense” any suggestion that the coalition government was responsible for the decisions it was taking across the policy... 

Stalker quits job to spend more time with Nick Clegg’s family

Hospital administrator Michael Allen has decided to abandon his job in order to spend more time with Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg’s family, the 44-year old stalker has announced. Despite the professional respect he has earned in his 14 years at Moorfields Hospital in London, Allen said that he feared work was getting in the way of his relationship with Clegg’s wife Miriam Gonzalez Durantez... 

Labour MPs plot one last coup for old times’ sake

A group of Labour MPs is secretly planning one last ousting of Gordon Brown as party leader for old times’ sake, the No Quarter has learned. With just weeks to go until the election and a probable change of government, sentimental backbenchers are said to want to fit in one last leadership challenge “for the road.” “This might be our last chance to cast doubt on Gordon as leader of both the...