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US elections: Ron Paul pledges to sack self as president if elected

Staunchly anti-government Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul has promised that his first action as American president would be to remove himself from office. “This country needs big government off its back,” Paul said in a speech in Maine yesterday. “And as far as I can tell, government doesn’t come much bigger than the president. “That’s why this campaign... 

Communities given new powers to go on murderous rampages

Local communities will be given new powers to randomly slaughter each other under new Tory plans. The powers will allow residents to splatter their high streets with unrecognisable gore without interference from central government, the communities secretary Eric Pickles said yesterday. “People know what is best for their community,” he said. “If a hardworking family wants to behead its... 

Labour axed in latest spending cuts

The Labour Party became the latest victim of coalition cuts when the government announced its abolition today. “For many years, Labour has performed many vital democratic socialist functions,” said cabinet secretary Francis Maude. “But political philosophies based on social justice, government intervention and a welfare state are sadly luxuries we can no longer afford.” Maude added that many... 

Britain’s dads stand poignantly in bedroom doorway

Sure, things have been tough lately, but everything’s going to turn out okay, the UK’s dads reported last night. Silhouetted in bedroom doorways nationwide, fatherly sources admitted the last few months have been hard on all of us, especially the country’s mothers. But they stressed we will be alright if we just stick together. “We all get angry and say things we don’t mean,” the 8.2 million... 

Marathon runner to cram 150 miles night before race

BRIGHTON – Hastings Marathon hopeful Adrian Kimble plans to make up for four months of failed training by cramming 150 miles the night before the race, the No Quarter has learned. “In an ideal world, I would have completed 16 weeks of gradual, slowly building training,” Kimble said. “But I haven’t – so I’m going to take the Friday off work before the race and do a thousand or so laps... 

BREAKING: Something major apparently happening

CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having slept through its alarm, the No Quarter arrived late this morning and is now in no position to report on what for all we know could be the biggest story of the year. Man, the No Quarter hates it when this happens....