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Newcastle: Newcastle ‘capital of the North’

NEWCASTLE – Newcastle put itself in the headlines today when it declared itself the ‘capital of the North’. The north-eastern city commended itself for its great shopping and vibrant nightlife, putting itself ahead of Manchester, Liverpool and Leeds as the ‘London of the North’. “This is a wonderful honour for Newcastle,” said Newcastle city council chief executive... 

Spider couple weds after horrifying insectoid courtship

A kind of happiness was brought to the insect community last Saturday as two wolf spiders were joined at a godless ‘wedding’ ritual in rural Essex. The joyless matrimony of the pair, known to their 4.1 million friends and family as ‘male spider’ and ‘female spider’, took place at around 3pm in the sinewy net of predatory deceit that the bride calls home. Their forsaken courtship began some... 

Man spending night in with bottle of whisky just calls to say hi

That guy you went out with a couple of years ago is just wondering how things are  going with you, your answerphone has revealed. “Oh, hey,” said a slurring Peter Hobson into your machine at around midnight on  Friday. “How’s it going? It’s been ages, so I just thought I’d call for a catch up.” After you broke off your 18-month-long relationship with Hobson in 2006, you met again a... 

Coffee date not confirmed as date

LEEDS – An atmospheric coffee shop recently played host to a two hour rendezvous that cannot confidently be described as romantic in nature. Coconut Café in Hyde Park is often chosen as a venue for first dates for its continental atmosphere and excellent coffee. For Jay Hammond and Lucy Muldoon, however, the intimate surroundings set the scene for an evening of arbitrary interaction that left... 

Sensitive guy fails to empathise way into woman’s bed

Sensitive civil servant Matthew Reid found this week that his easygoing, good-natured manner has not been effective in convincing trainee teacher Charlotte McEwan to sleep with him. Having become acquainted with McEwan several months ago through mutual friends, Reid had met up with her on several occasions to “just hang out”. However, on hearing that McEwan had been “under some strain” lately,... 

Woman not impressed by knight in shining armour

A woman’s excitement at finding what she believed to be her knight in shining armour turned to disappointment on Saturday night when it became apparent that what she had found was indeed an iron-suited, 11th century royal marshal. Andrea Murray, an accountant from Dundee, had placed an advert with an online dating service last week reading ‘Attractive, intelligent woman, 27, seeks knight in shining...