“This country needs big government off its back,” Paul said in a speech in Maine yesterday. “And as far as I can tell, government doesn’t come much bigger than the president.

“That’s why this campaign is going all the way to the White House,” Paul said to cheers from the crowd. “And right back out again.”

During his speech, the Texas congressman pledged to dramatically reduce the role of government in American life by stepping down directly after being sworn in as president.

“In fact, I won’t even bother getting sworn in. The moment you elect me as your president, I’ll start taking care of the necessary paperwork to make sure I’m out there on the double.”

By making himself unemployed, Paul would join the quarter of a million Americans set to patriotically lose their jobs in 2012.

Sources on the Paul campaign said they are exploring further ways to play the anti-government card during the nominee contest, including plans to bomb the White House.

Share on Facebook

Research by American company Gillette claims that built-in exfoliation pads in its new Venus Breeze 2.0 razor could end the plight of women forced to exfoliate after they shave – or in some extreme cases, not exfoliate at all.

The findings, which were published this week in Cosmopolitan magazine, also suggest that using competing brands of razor may carry previously unknown risks for female shavers.

“Unlike the Venus 2.0, comparable products do not feature dimpled finger rests, twin-action spring-mounted blades or innovative micro-fins to gently stretch the skin,” said Gillette’s global marketing director Karl Raven.

Raven said Gillette will now be rolling out a major advertising campaign targeting the Venus Breeze 2.0 at women who will subsequently need them.

However, Raven cautioned against complacency, saying that the crisis facing women’s legs was far from over.

“We thought we had things under control with the Venus Vibrance, whose vibrating head brought relief to some of the worst-affected regions of women’s legs,” said Raven.

However, the razor industry has been rocked by recent surveys suggesting that nearly 20 percent of women still agree to some extent that streamlining their exfoliation and shaving activities might impact on their life in some positive way.

“We can’t just sit by and watch,” he said. “These women need a product.”

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook

Local communities will be given new powers to randomly slaughter each other under new Tory plans.

The powers will allow residents to splatter their high streets with unrecognisable gore without interference from central government, the communities secretary Eric Pickles said yesterday.

“People know what is best for their community,” he said. “If a hardworking family wants to behead its neighbours and dance in the raining blood, it’s certainly not the government’s job to stop them.”

Pickles added that restrictions on the sale of rusty scythes and ominous, pockmarked axes will be relaxed.

David Cameron has backed the plans, which could help revive his vision of the ‘big society’. “For years, people have put up with orders from Whitehall telling them not to wreak senseless bloodshed,” he told BBC Breakfast. “What we’re saying now is: go out and boil each other alive, and we’ll support you every step of the way.”

Cameron said that government would stop taxpayers being “needlessly hassled” for peeling the skin from each others’ backs.

“We need to move away from that kind of micromanagement,” he said.

The plans were welcomed in Tory heartlands around the country yesterday.

In Epsom, Surrey, residents began stringing severed heads from street lamps like ghoulish bunting. Speaking on condition of anonymity – though too blood-spattered to identify in any case – one resident said the new powers would “really bring people together”. He then popped another eyeball into his mouth and chewed with unholy glee.

Further details on this story are expected once the No Quarter’s deputy political correspondent arrives on the scene, the original reporter having been hacked to cubes by locals shortly after this article was filed.

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook