20.14 GMT – Not one of the internet’s 2.2 billion users went online today, according to analysts.
When the No Quarter finally checked its emails just now, reports confirmed that – you know what? – it was a really beautiful day, and the third of the globe with internet access just didn’t feel like looking at a screen for nine hours.
“We’d usually have seen some nine million people online by around 7am,” said Rachel Costelloe of Forrester Research. “And you can throw in another 12 million by 9am – and that’s just in Northern Europe.
“Having said that, it really felt like spring was on its way today,” she said. “What’s a morning spent sitting on Facebook compared to that?”
Costelloe added that by the time EU citizens had gone for a little jog, got some fresh bread from that great new place down in the square, and had a nice breakfast, there seemed to be more to life than toggling between Twitter and YouTube for hours on end.
When Reuters finally managed to drag itself online in the last hour, it reported that all of America’s 230,630,000 potential internet users were apparently doing something else, like maybe going for a swim or meeting friends for coffee. Just a simple coffee, that’s all.
“We haven’t seen online information flows dip this low since March 1994,” said Forrest analyst Daniel Widger. “And the internet didn’t even exist then.
“It would be wrong to suggest that people were happier or more fulfilled before the internet came along,” he continued. “But goddamn, sometimes you just don’t want to spend a half hour downloading the new Flash player just to watch some cats playing with iPads.”
The No Quarter had to cut this investigation short because some friends just called and asked if we want to go play ping-pong in the park.