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Communities given new powers to go on murderous rampages

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Local communities will be given new powers to randomly slaughter each other under new Tory plans.

The powers will allow residents to splatter their high streets with unrecognisable gore without interference from central government, the communities secretary Eric Pickles said yesterday.

“People know what is best for their community,” he said. “If a hardworking family wants to behead its neighbours and dance in the raining blood, it’s certainly not the government’s job to stop them.”

Pickles added that restrictions on the sale of rusty scythes and ominous, pockmarked axes will be relaxed.

David Cameron has backed the plans, which could help revive his vision of the ‘big society’. “For years, people have put up with orders from Whitehall telling them not to wreak senseless bloodshed,” he told BBC Breakfast. “What we’re saying now is: go out and boil each other alive, and we’ll support you every step of the way.”

Cameron said that government would stop taxpayers being “needlessly hassled” for peeling the skin from each others’ backs.

“We need to move away from that kind of micromanagement,” he said.

The plans were welcomed in Tory heartlands around the country yesterday.

In Epsom, Surrey, residents began stringing severed heads from street lamps like ghoulish bunting. Speaking on condition of anonymity – though too blood-spattered to identify in any case – one resident said the new powers would “really bring people together”. He then popped another eyeball into his mouth and chewed with unholy glee.

Further details on this story are expected once the No Quarter’s deputy political correspondent arrives on the scene, the original reporter having been hacked to cubes by locals shortly after this article was filed.


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