CENTRAL LONDON, 9.35am – Something possibly really serious is happening right now, but the No Quarter is stuck behind dozens of news crews and can’t see a damn thing. Having slept through its alarm, the No Quarter arrived late this morning and is now in no position to report on what for all we know could be the biggest story of the year. Man, the No Quarter hates it when this happens. Also, according to the guy from Reuters, the No Quarter should shut the hell up and stop asking stupid questions. At press time, several minutes of frantic internet research by our newsroom staff had failed to shed any light on the situation. However, we recommend you have a look on Twitter and see if you can figure it out. Whatever it is, it must be trending by now.
UPDATE: 9.37am: If you do find out what’s going on, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet us at @thenoquarter. Thanks, we really appreciate it.