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Labour axed in latest spending cuts

The Labour Party became the latest victim of coalition cuts when the government announced its abolition today. “For many years, Labour has performed many vital democratic socialist functions,” said cabinet secretary Francis Maude. “But political philosophies based on social justice, government intervention and a welfare state are sadly luxuries we can no longer afford.” Maude added that many recent Labour initiatives, including promoting neoliberalism and extending the gap between rich and poor, could be performed “perfectly well” by the Conservatives. “In fact, those were our ideas in the first place.”