A kind of happiness was brought to the insect community last Saturday as two wolf spiders were joined at a godless ‘wedding’ ritual in rural Essex.
The joyless matrimony of the pair, known to their 4.1 million friends and family as ‘male spider’ and ‘female spider’, took place at around 3pm in the sinewy net of predatory deceit that the bride calls home.
Their forsaken courtship began some six hours earlier when, after approaching his beloved in agonising slow motion, the male spider attempted to display his intentions via a series of unknowable leg movements – all in the hope that she would not idly decapitate him with a single swing of her malignant, razor-sharp front leg.
Fortunately the bachelor’s advances were indifferently accepted, thus allowing the couple’s benighted union to begin.
The consummation of their relationship was later confirmed with the female’s laying of over 250 eggs in her new husband’s abdomen, which the spiders celebrated with several minutes of inert, emotionless silence before setting off on their ‘honeymoon’ – a two-hour trip to the cold peripheries of the female’s web, concluding later that evening with the merciless devouring of the groom by the couple’s seething, eyeless larvae.